Nostalgia
by Yami and Ryoko
Summary: He longs for those past days, but they must stay as memories. It's too late to act on his feelings. He's already pushed her away and now the last string is about to be cut. She'll be married soon. Shinichi X Ran [Jimmy X Rachel]


Nostalgia

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Detective Conan/Case Closed. I can barely solve the cases, how could I write one?

* * *

Conan Edogawa sat in his rolling chair at the Shonen Tantei Agency. His right hand was placed on his forehead in thought. His fingers were intertwined in his hair, pulling at his bangs. His other hand held a small card; it was an invitation. He stared at the white folded paper with its decorative glistering sparkles and sequins and its elegant flowers and letters. Those letters formed words he did not want to read; did not want to comprehend. On the outside he appeared frustrated; just a young man pulling at his hair because of discomforting thoughts. Inside, however, his heart was crumbling. He always knew this day would come, but his heart was never really quite prepared for it.

Conan Edogawa had grown into a fine young man; or it should be said that Shinichi Kudo re-grew into a fine young man. It had been many years now since he had given up hopes of ever returning to his former life as the detective Shinichi Kudo. Ai had been discovered by the Black Organization to be who she really was, Sherry, and murdered. In that instant his only hope had been lost. Dr. Agasa had tried to continue her research, but it had been fruitless and finally Conan just told the old man to give up. Besides by that time he had grown so used to being Conan Edogawa that becoming Shinichi again would be a very hard transmission. Shinichi was a lost man at that point. Nobody had seen him in years. Everyone had forgotten him or just considered him "missing in action." There was no reason to return anyway. His only reason was gone; Ran was gone.

Ran had started seeing a young man when she was about twenty-four years old. He was a police man she had met on a case that her father was investigating. She had been reluctant at first to accept his offer. For a long time Ran had waited for _him_; for Shinich Kudo to return. For a long time Ran had waited for Conan Edogawa. She had found out the truth and found out some things, some people are better left forgotten.

"Conan" had left soon after she found out and went to live with Dr. Agasa. Since then he has continued forever on his life as Conan Edogawa. He stayed friends with Ayumi, Genta, and Mitsuhiko throughout his school life and was still close to them. The Shonen Tantei had gotten quite a reputation as being top class crime solvers, thanks mainly in part to himself, but the rest of the group had learned quite a bit along the way. After high school it had expanded into the agency he was now sitting in. It was very competitive with Kogoro Mouri's Detective Agency, which's fame was, again, mainly thanks to Conan's days of living with the Mouri's and boosting the detective's reputation.

So Shinichi had grown up twice. It's funny how people think that if they did something all over again they wouldn't make a mistake, but the truth is a person just makes all new ones. Shinichi Kudo knew this all too well. He hated when people would say, "I wish I was a kid again." In his mind he would silently reply, "No, you don't." He knew the loses that came with reliving childhood.

He knew the changes, too. Deep down he still was Shinichi Kudo. He looked just like him, of course, minus the glasses. But his personality and other characteristics were somewhat different. However, that could be expected. He grew up with different people.

Ayumi had actually asked him to be her boyfriend a few years back and he had, a bit reluctantly, accepted. Silently he wished she was Ran. Mitsuhiko and Genta had sulked for a while and every time Conan spook to them he could feel the negative vibes emitting from them; anger and loathing. But later they had forgiven him and actually found girlfriends of their own. "You can't get everything you want," Conan had silently told them. It really was amazing that even though the two rivaled for Ayumi's affection, she had only room in her heart for Conan, while he seemed stuck in the middle. Nevertheless the four remained friends all these years. Conan really did think of them as friends. In a way he watched them grow up.

However, more than anything he wished that things were different. He wished that they were how they used to be before he was shrunk; that he was Shinichi Kudo, high school detective and his best friend was Ran Mouri, daughter of a failure of a detective. Secretly they both had deeper feelings for each other and they were just bidding their time before they told each other the truth.

Secretly he wished it was Ran he was holding, not Ayumi. With all his heart he wished that this card that he held in his hand was about Ran and him. But pain doesn't have sympathy for the hurt.

"Conan?" a soft feminine voice called, pulling him out of his thoughts of the past and the bitter nostalgia. He knew the voice all too well. Even though it had matured, it was still the voice he grew up hearing, the voice of Ayumi. She had grown up to be a beautiful young woman with short brown hair that swayed with her as she moved with gentle eyes and a sweet smile. But in his eyes no one could be more beautiful than Ran. Ayumi had come in to work early again, just as she did everyday. "What's that in your hand?" she asked leaning over him to get a good look at the card he held. She silently read the words engraved on it.

"I can't believe it!" she exclaimed in pure joy. "Ran's getting married?" Inside Conan felt like he had just been stabbed with a thousand swords. He didn't want to hear these words; not when he wasn't going to be the groom. In a way he felt that if it wasn't said aloud, they weren't true; they weren't real. He didn't want to believe the words imprinted on the card. Ayumi had a huge smile on her face. "Look," she said, still bending over him. She pointed her finger at a part of the text. "We're all invited. Mitsuhiko and Genta, too!"

"Yeah," he answered softly. He couldn't be as enthusiastic as her. He reread the card over for the hundredth time, still not fully believing it. After all it wasn't supposed to be like this.

In the neat handwriting it read:

_Conan, Ayumi, Genta, and Mitsuhiko_

_You are invited to the wedding of:_

_Satoshi Higure & Ran Mouri_

A location, date, and time followed along with directions to the places where the wedding and reception would occur. But this information was insignificant to Conan. The words that haunted him the most were, "…the wedding of: Satoshi Higure and Ran Mouri." He never wanted it to be this way. Even after he had found out that he'd forever be Conan Edogawa and even after he had alienated himself from her, he secretly wished in the depths of his heart that he would be the one to marry Ran Mouri.

Ayumi pulled away from him and sat down in her desk. She pulled out a pencil and was about to write something down on the paperwork of the company's latest case, but stopped. She twiddled with the pencil in the air, all the while deep in thought. "You know…" she began. Conan glanced at her briefly and began to turn away. He was almost positive she'd bring up something like, "It must be nice to get married," or find some other way to hint at him to propose, which wasn't going to happen any time soon if he had it his way. But instead she said something totally different; something that shocked him and caused his gaze to jerk back at her. "I always thought she'd marry that detective Shinichi Kudo when we were younger." She stopped spinning the pencil as she spoke and when she had finished her statement it was next to her face, which contained large, oddly serious eyes.

After a few moments of a blank stare in her direction, he finally replied solemnly, "Yeah, I did, too."

The two didn't say anything for a while and neither looked the other's way. An odd awkward silence had emerged between them. Shinichi was lost in thought and fruitless wishes. He intertwined his fingers together and braced his hands in front of his face. Ayumi was busying herself with filling out the paperwork of the recent case and most likely she could tell that Conan wasn't in a very good mood. Why? She didn't know the answer to that. But she decided to start up some conversation nevertheless.

"I wonder what ever happened to him," she said as she wrote something on her papers. When there was no sign that Conan had heard her, she reiterated, "I wonder what ever happened to Shinichi Kudo." She had stopped working now and was staring at the young man, waiting for a reply. Conan, on the other hand, was glaring over his hands at her. A rather dangerous look was on his face. The look sent a shiver down her spine, yet, she couldn't help being completely and utterly confused. He knew very well what had happened to Shinichi Kudo. _He_ was staring right at Ayumi. _He_ was only a few fight away from her. Of course she didn't know that. He replied quite coolly, "He's dead."

Ayumi gave a questioning look, but he could also tell she was a bit frightened by his comment. She stared at him for a moment. Then she returned to her work, deciding to drop the subject. Conan was glad she didn't ask him to elaborate, which was characteristic of any detective. He didn't want to "explain." He didn't want to make up a tale on the spot.

Conan got up from his seat and placed the invitation down on the chair. He walked out of the room and into the bathroom, quickly turning the sink's cold water faucet. He watched the cool liquid pour down, forming a puddle in his scooped hands and felt some of it leak out between his fingers. The running water made a soothing sound and for a while Conan just watched it with a gloomy expression on his face.

In a way it was true. Shinichi Kudo was "gone." Nobody had heard from "him" or heard any news of "his" great detective skills in nearly ten years. He had just disappeared one day, with only a few people actually knowing where and who he really was now. The life Conan used to know had disappeared. Conan Edogawa would never be Shinichi Kudo again. He had told himself thousands of times that he'd just have to accept his current life, but he didn't want to. How could he? After all, a small part of Shinichi Kudo still lived inside him.

He splashed the freezing water upon his face. Drops of the liquid splattered all over the glass of his glasses, blurring his vision. He quickly took the bifocals off and placed them on the sink counter. He didn't need them anyway. He scooped more water up and threw it on his face. He repeated this action several times. He then turned the water off and stared up at his reflection in the mirror.

There he was. There was Shinichi Kudo. It was the exact face lost ten years earlier.

Water dripped down his face from his soaked bangs. The drops ran off the bridge of his nose and down his cheeks.

He couldn't accept this life…

Now the water drops were seeping out from under his eyelashes and slowly making their way down his face; tears.

…because he still loved her.

There in the mirror Conan saw himself; saw Shinichi Kudo, weeping. The boy he had tried so long to be again was there, but it was too late. The life of Shinichi Kudo was gone the moment he told _her_ to forget.

Why? Why couldn't things be how they used to be with him and her? Why couldn't they be the childhood friends they used to be? And why couldn't they have been the lovers they so wanted to be? Why'd all that have to be destroyed…? No matter how he looked at those questions and the situations, the answers always came out to be one subject; one name: him. His suspicions led him to de-age and his words pushed her away.

He continued to stare at the person he used to be. The tears silently ran down his now pink cheeks. Oh, how he longed for things he couldn't change. The memory always came back to him. It was crystal clear in his mind's eye; burnt there like a fossil formed into the ground so it could forever tell its tale. This was a photo full of memories he'd rather crinkle up and toss away, but couldn't because…he didn't want to forget her.

* * *

The small form of Conan Edogawaa sat on the cold damp ground of an asphalt covered alley. His body was shaking violently under overly large clothes. His normally worn glasses were no where to be seen. The rain poured down from the heavens around him and in turn he was drenched from the highest cow-lick on his head, which drooped considerably from the water, to his toes which were covered by sneakers twice the size of the foot within. The small child's eyes were wide and his mouth was only open to draw sharp hoarse breaths and then to quickly let air out and repeat the process. He was muddy from the downpour, with the long sleeves of his jacket and bottoms of his pants' legs, which extended past his foot, covered with grim. His heart was beating as if it were a runner in a marathon and the thumping was so loud the runner must have been running through an empty, echoing cave.

What he had witnessed had not frightened him because he was a small child. No, Conan Edogawa was not so easily frightened by such things being who he was. He was frightened because of who it was and who had done it and mainly of why.

Deep, buried inside his heart, he heard the breaking of glass as his hopes shattered.

Another cause of his worries was a few feet in front of him. A teenaged girl with brown hair pressed against her body because it was soaked was sitting on her knees on the wet asphalt. Tears were streaming down from her brown eyes. Besides sadness an expression of slight shock was plastered on her face and something else. Conan realized right away what it was: hurt; pain from all his lies.

"Shin-Shinichi…" she wept. Her voice was strained as well as her composition. She was trying to appear not as hurt as she really was; she was trying to handle the truth better. "W-why? Why didn't you e-ever tell me? I a-always thought- a-always suspected it, but y-you always found away so-o that I couldn't prove it." She was choking on her tears. Her vowels were especially stressed. "Why couldn't you tell me, Shinichi?" Her voice was softer now and more controlled. "Why?" She lowered her head and clenched some of her skirt that lay upon her knees.

"I didn't want you to get hurt," the little boy answered after a few moments of silence between them. He had a serious tone and his voice was low. "I wanted to protect-

"Why?" Ran interrupted him. "Why w-would I get hurt?" She stared up at him, pleading for an answer. Tears flowed down her cheeks. She tightened her grip on her skirt, causing her knuckles to become white.

Conan starred at his foot, finding the pants' leg covering it very interesting. He starred at the bulge of his shoe which was at the knee level of the jeans. He then answered, all the while staring. "You warned me that being a detective would get me into trouble." He laughed slightly, a sad, feeble laugh. "You were right. I got into big trouble. That's how I shrunk. I was given a poison that was supposed to kill me." Ran gave a small gasp. "But instead _this_ happened to me." Conan lifted his arms and the sleeves of the shirt drooped down to reveal small hands. He stared at them and clenched them into fists and shook them for emphasis at the word "this."

"You could have told me," the girl wept. Her tears fell faster and her sobs were at a point now that he could barely understand her.

"I wanted to, but…but…" He stopped stammering and became more serious. "Ran, they thought I was dead. I was afraid you'd be in danger if they found out who I was and if they knew I had a connection to you." Tears began to swell in his eyes as he looked down at his foot again. "I wanted to protect you. I had to protect you, because…" A tear slid down his cheek. "Because I love you, Ran."

He did not raise his gaze. He was sure he heard her sniffles end and heard an intake of breath. She was probably staring at him, but he didn't shoot her the slightest glance to prove that theory true. Right now he could not bear to look at her. He had wanted to say those words to her so badly, but now it hurt to speak them. It hurt because what he had just witnessed would make him have to give up on this love. Tears fell faster and faster from his eyes. It was like a river flowing down both his cheeks. His sobs made it hard to breathe.

"I wanted to tell you that in my own voice," he choked. "Shinichi's voice…but I don't think I ever will now." He paused and looked up at her. Tears were silently coming down his face.

He had to face it; he had to stare into the eyes of the truth. He supposed now he felt the sting of reality that so many people he'd met had felt. Now he knew the shock of staring at the lifeless body of someone he knew. This time however there was no _whys_ or _whos_.

"I'm stuck like this, Ran," he said solemnly as more tears fell from his eyes and slipped off his chin to land on his jacket. "I'll never be Shinichi again."

There is always one truth. Right in front of his very eyes Ai Haibara was murdered by the Black Organization. Not only was she gone, but so was his hope of returning to his old self; to become Shinichi Kudo once again.

Ran stared at him a long moment, silently disbelieving his words. The rain fell down from the dark sky like the tears the two were silently weeping. It was almost as if the gods above were crying for the great lost far below; two lovers doomed to be apart; two star-crossed lovers. The heavenly tears damped the ground and created huge puddles around the two.

Ran gave a weak smile. "Don't be silly, Shinichi," she said, holding back sobs. "You'll return to normal. You will." The last two words betrayed her brave guise for they were filled with sorrow. New tears filled her eyes and twinkled vaguely in the dim lights from the distant street lamps. Conan knew she couldn't believe him. He knew she was holding onto his words that he'd come back just like he'd always promised.

"No," he replied softly, not looking at her any longer. He didn't want to see the pain evident on her visage any longer. "No," he repeated. "I'll never be myself again because…" He strained himself to say it. Maybe if it wasn't said aloud it wouldn't be true, but he was smarter than that. He knew better than that. Even if he didn't say it, there was no way of denying the images burnt into his mind: The images of a limp child; of crimson stains; a smoking gun; and of a satisfied smile. "…because Ai's been killed." He paused again and then continued in a hurried, slightly frantic tone. "She's the one who made the poison that did this to me. She shrunk herself because the organization was going to kill her. She was working on an antidote to return us to normal. But she's gone now." He looked up at Ran. His face was twisted in pain and he was crying harder than ever. "I'm stuck like this! Shinichi Kudo's gone!"

"There has to be a way!" Ran yelled. "A doctor…or…or scientist." She was coughing and gagging from crying now. He knew she didn't want to give up on him, but sometimes a person just has to let go.

"The drug's untraceable," Conan replied coldly. "And what scientist would believe us?"

"I don't care then!" Suddenly arms were wrapping around the small boy. He felt his body being lifted off the cold ground and being pressed against Ran. Her body heat warmed him up slightly. She put her head on his small shoulder and wept. "I'll wait for you…Even if it takes years, I'll wait for you. I'll wait until you get old enough so that we can be together. I love you, Shinichi." Conan felt her tears fall on his neck. "I'll wait," she reiterated.

It hurt him, too. He loved her so much. He didn't want to let her go. Right now he so badly wanted to wrap his arms around her and kiss her. But as the child he was he couldn't do that. Besides in his mind he knew what he had to do. As was Ai gone so was their chance of ever being together; as was their love. No matter how badly it was tearing him up inside and how badly it would hurt him the rest of his life, he knew what he had to do; he knew what he must end. It was too dangerous of a life for her if she were to share it with him. The end was always the part of the story that someone knew they must get to, but also the most dreaded since it meant there would be no more.

He had to do it. He had to be stern. He had to break both their hearts.

He pulled away from her embrace rather forcefully. She starred, wide-eyed, at him. She was probably wondering why he had pulled away with aggression and why was he giving her such a hard look. His gaze was intense and did not waver at all. It could not after all. It was almost a cold stare. He knew Ran did not understand it.

Conan readied himself for her response. Then in a tone unfamiliar to himself so that it seemed that it belonged to someone else entirely, he said it. He knew it must had been his voice because he felt his cold lips press against each other and the bitter restraint they held from being numbed in the rain. His mind told his mouth to say these words, but his heart told him, "no." The words broke through his lips and he felt thousands and thousands of knives stab into his chest. He felt his heart turn cold from the unforgivable things his mouth and mind said. "It's not safe to be with me. The Black Organization knows who I am now and will probably come after me." He paused. "Don't you think we'd be a weird couple; a ten year age difference?" Ran eyed him hard, wondering what he was getting to. "I'm sure there's someone much better for you. Someone your own age. We can't ever be together, Ran. I don't want to see you again." He looked away from her.

Cold, but necessary words.

Words that betrayed every feeling in his heart; a deceit of his love.

It just couldn't be. He had to protect her even if it was in the most painful way of all. He had to make sure the Black Organization didn't harm her, even if it meant throwing away their chance of ever being together. In truth he didn't care if she was older than his appearance. He knew now that he was doomed to be Conan Edogawa. If they could be together he knew he could accept his fate of never being his true identity. It didn't matter as long as their love could continue. But because he loved her so much he knew he had to protect her even if it meant this.

"S-S-Shinichi…" she stuttered, holding back a flood of tears. "You don't mean that."

"Yes, I do," came his words. The words were child-like, but still heart breaking with an icy and expressionless face placed on the kid. "I don't want to see you again. Ever again. Just forget about me."

The tears she was holding back broke through of her restraint. Two rivers were quickly upon both sides of her face. "But, I love you, Shinichi." She sniffed. "I don't care if you're like this."

"Don't kid yourself. Do you really think you can wait ten years for me? Ten years before we could hold each other? Before we could kiss? You know you can't. You know you can't lie to me!" Was that really his voice? Even for Conan's childish voice it was unfamiliar. It was so cold, so mean.

Ran shook her head slowly in disagreement and disbelief. The tears flowing faster down her cheeks. She couldn't understand him, he knew. A few minutes ago he was telling her he loved her and now he was pushing her away. But she didn't know that this was the greatest offer of affection he could give. "Shinichi…" she whispered.

"Don't call me that anymore," said the heartless voice of Conan. "Shinichi Kudo's gone. Haven't you realized that, yet?"

* * *

More lies he had told that day; lies about his feelings of her; lies to himself. He wanted to see her so badly; to see her everyday when he awoke. Even so, for her protection, she had to forget him and move on. He moved out of the Mouri's home and began living with Dr. Agasa. His friend said he would take the risks of the Black Organization coming after Shinichi. It would have been safer to move to America where his parents were, but he couldn't leave. He couldn't rip himself from this town he had become so attached to. He couldn't bear to completely leave her. He watched her from a distance, unknown to everyone, even her, as he lived the life of Conan Edogawa. Silently he watched her experience all the sensations that a human being was destined to feel: sorrow of his hurtful words, happiness when with her friends, the hate that would creep upon her when his name was mentioned; and finally she did move on. She found another to love. He was erased from her heart. Only the child friend Conan Edogawa remained.

The encounters had been awkward. Events had occurred when they had met, even though it was obvious both tried to avoid each other, but Ayumi, Genta, Mitsuhiko, Sonoko, Kogouri, and all their other acquaintances were not aware of the two-sided alienation. And so when their friends and family would greet each other, they would put on a mask; they'd hide their true feelings; the resentment they shared; and put forth more lies. But in truth Shinichi was wearing two guises. One covered up the mask of hate that he was using to avoid Ran for her protection, while that mask covered his true feelings of love and happiness to see and talk to her.

Shinichi stared at his reflection in the mirror. Tears fell silently down his cheeks. He hated that it had to be this way. He hated that he had to push her way. The Black Organization had never attacked him…ever! They had pretty much vanished for several years now. Even in his work as a detective of the Shonen Tantei he had never heard any news of them to this day. The company could just be working undetected for he had read about several unexplained incidents in the newspaper. Perhaps they no longer thought him to be a threat. Even so he had never tried to regain what was lost, for then everything could be taken away if they did come after him. No, he would never try to regain what was lost with Ran.

It was too late now, anyway. She was going to get married.

…Even so he couldn't help hating himself.

It was his entire fault this was happening. The chain of events reached back to that very day at the amusement park all those years ago. Curiosity killed the cat and that time it did a lot more damage. It killed his chance of being with Ran. He should have never gone snooping into the matters of the Black Organization. Every action has a reaction; every cause an effect.

He couldn't help the hate that burned on in his soul for his very self. But he couldn't give up on this life. He needed to continue to secretly see her; to wish for _her_ happiness.

The face of Shinichi Kudo starred back at him, still weeping. Oh, how he hated that face. It was the same one that had disappeared ten years ago; the one that had ruined everything; that had caused Ran to be lost.

A crash echoed throughout the room and Conan gritted his teeth. The face of Shinichi Kudo shattered as shards of glass flew everywhere. In place of the image was a bleeding hand with small fragments of glass embedded in it. Conan leaned against the mirror for balance as the tears fall harder than ever down his cheeks. Pain shot through his body, but he ignored it. It was no match to the pain of his heart. He looked down at the sink as the water he had splashed on himself and his tears dripped off his nose and cheeks into the drain. Blood dripped down the mirror. He watched it.

Even though he had told himself countless times to hate Shinichi; that he was gone; hate himself for what he had done because it _was_ his fault. He was Conan now and would forever be. He'd just have to accept it. He told himself Ran was gone because of him. He told himself to forget her; forget her like he had told her to do and had done. Even though he hated himself to such a level and told himself to move on in his life as Conan Edogawa; that he couldn't have her because he was no longer Shinichi, still, every night, she was in his dreams. Despite all this he couldn't forget her…

Ayumi came rushing into view and stopped at the threshold of the bathroom. Concern was written all over her face. Her eyes widened when her gaze fell upon Conan's bleeding hand and the shattered mirror he had broken. She looked outraged, but in the way of a worried mother. He looked slowly to her. She saw his tears and realized instantly that they were not from the pain of the glass cutting him, but a much more bitter agony. "Conan," she said, giving him a gentle look, trying to hide her worry. "What's wrong?" She walked nearer to him, slightly cautious and put her hands on his shoulders, lovingly.

He could never forget her because…

…even now…

…even after all the pain…

…after all the sorrow….

…after all the times he told himself to forget…

"…I love her…" he said weakly, the words broken by sobs. He turned away from Ayumi, afraid to see the look of pain in her eyes. His eyes closed as tears leaked from them. "I love her so much."

There was silence.

"You mean, Ran, don't you?" came Ayumi's voice in a soft tone. Conan turned his gaze to her, shocked that she knew who he meant. She wasn't looking at him. She seemed to be avoiding his eyes, but she shot a quick glance at him and he nodded, hesitantly. She smiled weakly and again turned her eyes away from him. "I always knew it, I think, deep down inside. You never seemed to be looking at me, but more like through me at someone else. You were always so hesitant when you'd hug or kiss me. You were never looking at me, were you, Conan…? But at her?

"Even when we were kids you seemed…different…happier around her. I knew…I knew…Conan, I knew…" Tears were creeping down her cheeks, but she tried to be cheerful. She loved him and he knew it. Realizing his heart belonged to another was painful. He knew this because he knew Ran no longer loved him…Shinichi…but another. "It must be hard," she continued, wiping a tear from her cheek with her hand, "now that she's getting married." She turned and left, but before she did she added, choked by tears, "But I love you, Conan."

And then she was gone without another word; without another sniff. She didn't ask why he felt this way. There was no show of jealousy or an attempt to change his feelings. She just left with those words.

"I love you, Conan," echoed in his mind. He smiled slightly. The tears were dry on his face now. _She's in love with_ Conan, he thought. The part of his being he refused to accept. But he didn't want that. He wanted _Shinichi_ to be loved, the hidden part of him. He wanted Shinichi to be loved by Ran…and only her.

But he supposed that was impossible now. She no longer loved him. He had pushed her away long ago and it seemed now that he was pushing Ayumi away too. Even though she didn't hold the same place in his heart as Ran she was still a good friend that he didn't want to lose.

He sighed and looked at his hand, finally removing it from the mirror. It was bleeding badly and he was beginning to feel the sting of the pain.

He could never be with Ran and that's the way things were.

With that sad thought and another sigh he began to disinfect and bandage his hand. He then grabbed his glasses and returned them to their perch on his nose.

When he returned to the office he found Ayumi on the phone. He was unsure of what to say to her; how to approach her. Wouldn't she be hurt?

"Okay. See you later. Bye," she said into the phone and hung it up soon after. She then turned to him and gave him a warm smile. This took Conan by surprise. She was acting cheerful as if nothing had happened. Conan had assumed she would give him the silent treatment for awhile. However, he did notice her glance at his wounded hand and saw a hint of concern sparkle in her eyes, but it was barely visible.

"Who was that?" he asked as he took a seat, although he wasn't too concerned.

"Oh, just a friend," she answered quickly in a slightly nonchalant matter.

"Conan, do you want to go out for awhile?" she asked. "We'll just put up the 'Be Back Soon' sign." Her eyes softened. "You could use the fresh air."

Conan couldn't help but feel that their little outing would lead to a "talk." He decided, however, that maybe some things should be explained or at least lied about. Perhaps, also, a new atmosphere could make him feel better.

Outside was the hustle and bustle of the early morning city life. Cars passed by and people strolled along to work or school. A scene he had been in for years of his life, yet it had never been the same once Ran was no longer part of his life. The sky was gloomy above. Oddly like that day when Ran had learned the truth about Conan and Shinichi. It was a sad sky, with dark clouds holding back threatening tears. The two slowly walked along the familiar streets of the city, passing many sites where crimes had occurred and had been solved, which seemed to be practically everywhere he had gone in his life time. In truth he was surprised a death wasn't happening right in front of him. They were soon plodding along a park. Its grass was damp from the morning condensation. Conan just followed Ayumi. She'd be leader this time. He was sure they'd soon be talking about the events that had preceded this walk and his mind quickly created answers to her possible questions.

But as they continued through the park his heart began to race and his breathing was in a marathon all its own. The girl on the bench just to his far left couldn't be who he thought it was. Yet he knew it was her. There was no mistaking it; no denying. Why was she here? Why?

"Ran!" Ayumi called and he quickly turned around. She was smiling brightly with her hand raised high in the air. He raced his head back in the other direction. Ran had turned to the direction the cry of her name had come from. Her eyes widened when she saw him and Conan couldn't help but gulp. What was going on? Then Ran quickly straightened up and smiled. This was to be just another of their meetings with masked pasts and hidden feelings.

It was only when Ran turned back to the man sitting next to her on the park bench that Conan noticed the man at all. Instantly his heart felt like some piece had just broken off it and his stomached churned. The two said something to each other, all the while smiling. They were too far for him to hear those words. Only their opening and closing mouths expressed their speech. Then they rose and walked over to Conan and Ayumi. Conan noted in a jealous disgust that they were holding hands. Oh, why were _they_ here?

"Ayumi," Ran began pleasantly with the smiling police officer right at her side. "It's so good to see you." She turned to Conan, smiling at him as well. But there was no mistaking it; he saw that sudden sting in her eyes. She couldn't hide it from a detective. "You too, Conan. Good to see you." In the curve of her lips he saw it. The unspoken, "I hate you." But his heart was saying, "I love you." However those words would never be allowed to reach his lips. He nodded a greeting instead.

"Good to see you," greeted Satoshi. Conan replied benignly back, but in his heart he was roaring.

"So," Ran began, looking to Ayumi. "You wanted to talk?"

"Yeah," came the younger woman's reply, with a nod.

"You wanted to come tell us you're coming to our big day in person, right?" Satoshi smirked and wrapped his arm around Ran's shoulders. Conan tried his best to cover his rage.

This was the type of situation Conan wanted to avoid. He didn't want to go to the wedding. He didn't want to see another man kiss her; he didn't want to see another man dance with her. He didn't want to wish that he was that other man!

"Y-yes," he blurted out. Despite the fact that he didn't want to hurt, it was worst for Ran to hurt. He couldn't say "no." He had to agree! Ayumi was planning something, no doubt. He wasn't an idiot. The world had never known a mind like his. The phone call, the walk, the meeting; it wasn't a coincidence! Did she really think she could fool him, Conan-Shinichi? He didn't want what she was up to. What would it do anyway? Here was the chance he'd been waiting for. Here, now, Ran could be happy. Wasn't that his greatest wish? Wasn't that far more important than his selfish feelings?

Ayumi shot him a shocked glance and in the corner of his eye he shot her one back; a deadly one. This wasn't of her concern. Telling Ran his feelings meant nothing. Though, he couldn't blame Ayumi. She didn't know the whole story. She didn't know he had all ready broken Ran's heart. The boy she used to love was gone. Shinichi was dead… and never coming back.

The threat in his eyes and the feelings in her heart told the young girl what was best. "Don't interfere," she fully comprehended and she obliged because she did love him so.

"Ran, I'm so happy for you!" Ayumi squealed. "You must be so excited!"

"Yes." Ran smiled warming and placed her hand on Satoshi's. "We both are."

Conan swore he tasted his breakfast again.

"You have everything prepared, then?"

"Just about," she laughed. "Only the final few things left."

And the conversation continued like that for quite awhile. The women dominated and Satoshi only got a few words in here and there. Conan didn't speak. The atmosphere was too cheerful in comparison to his crumbling heart. He had somehow found himself a can of worms right into the very event he had been avoiding. Never in his life did he wish that someone would die right where he was! Then he could run off and investigate; he could escape!

It must have been almost one hour since their arrival that it started to rain.

Prepared for the weather, Ran raised her umbrella, which had been hanging from a string around her wrist. Satoshi snuggled under it as well. However Ayumi and Conan were getting drenched. A cold would be coming around.

"We'd better go," Conan said. Finally there was an excuse to leave!

"Yeah," Ayumi agreed.

"Well, goodbye then," said Satoshi, cheerfully.

"Yes, goodbye," Ran breathed softly, but then she said something that was shocking. "Conan, wait." He slowly turned to her. He was just about ready to fly out of there as fast as he could. "Can I talk to you?" Her voice was very sweet; something that had not been in it when talking to him for nearly ten years.

An awkward silence erupted among them. Conan just stared at her, while she turned to Satoshi, "Can you give us a minute?" He nodded and replied, "Sure," though he seemed stunned himself. He then walked away to give them room to talk. Uncertain, Ayumi hung back, but a look from Ran sent her after the policeman in a quick-strung conversation.

Then Ran and Conan were alone. He stared at the ground opposite him as did Ran, although they were facing each other. No one spoke. The only sound was the pitter-patter of the rain against Ran's umbrella as Conan soaked in its watery attack.

"Are you really…okay with this?" Ran asked weakly, breaking the silence.

"Why shouldn't I be?" came the reply that shocked himself.

"Don't act a fool," she growled. "You know why."

The distant words of the past echoed in his mind, "…because I love you…"

"Why would it matter?" he asked, still not looking at her.

_Be as cold as you can,_ he told himself. _Don't let yourself hope only to be let down…_

"It doesn't," she said through gritted teeth.

"Then…" he said, softly. "I guess it doesn't matter about this either." He never once looked up. "I won't be going to the wedding as I said." She looked at him with wide eyes. He was still downcast, but the pain was evident in his voice. "I hope you understand."

Shocked, she stared at him harder. What? He wouldn't be going? He knew how much that day meant to her and he wouldn't be there? But of course he wouldn't go. She knew when she wrote out the card that he would be one of the people on the guest list that would not attend. No matter how he acted like he was just Conan Edogawa and how indifferent he appeared to be about her relationships with men, he did care. She knew he couldn't bear to see her married. And he didn't think she could go through with it in front of him…but why did she feel this way…? He was gone from her; unreachable.

"Yes, I understand."

Unreachable. They were cut off from each other. He decided that. They were on two different continents with a vast sea between them and he had been the one to sink their ships.

Why'd she care? Why did she suddenly feel so bad? He was hurt, hiding it, yes, but she had been around detectives long enough to find that something that wasn't apparent at first glance. She shouldn't care. She was in love with Satoshi…wasn't she…?

She had been so reluctant to love again. He had broken her so. The dates she had always refused, but when she met Satoshi she said, "Yes." Was that only because he reminded her of him…?

"Well, then," Conan said while looking at her, staring straight into her eyes. He began to walk forward. "I wish you both all the happiness in the world," sprang from his lips as he walked past. It didn't hit her ears, though, no, it hit her heart. It went straight into her heart without any extra stops along the way. And he continued on, soaking in the water falling from the sky and splashing in the drenched grass.

She spun around with her focus completely on him. Why did this suddenly feel so wrong? Why was it her heart suddenly ached?

The rain was falling, just like on that day _he_ broke her heart; the sky was crying for them just like it had before, but this time the rain was harder. It knew doom when it saw it.

Conan was walking away from her. No, not him. It wasn't Conan. What a fool she was. How could she not see it? It was _him_. It was him the way he had been when he had walked away from her life as they left the amusement park and then reemerged in it as a child. But that child had grown up; grown up to the man she used to love. It was Shinichi…

Conan felt it. That grief the sky was weeping for. He had said it; that was the final goodbye. But, oh, how it hurt. All his life he had solved crime after crime. There were many ways to kill someone: a sharp knife, a lethal poison, a rope around the neck, a bullet. But he knew now there was one weapon that killed more slowly and more painfully than all of them. It was sweet memories that could not be retained; it was nostalgia. Slowly the toxic was breaking his heart.

What was this feeling Ran felt? With each step further away he took it grew and grew. It was suffocating her. That was Shinichi. He was the same as he had been; it was the boy she had loved…and still loved…

Suddenly she felt a hand on her shoulder. Shocked, she turned to face its owner. It was Satoshi. His eyes were in a solemn stare at the departing Conan. "You know," he said. "I think I understand now. I always felt like I was a window being looked through. It was never me you loved…" She stared up at him, her eyes as wide as they could possibly be. He gave her a loving smile and with a push he added, "Go after him."

She didn't have time to think. It seemed her heart had all ready made up her mind. She wanted to deny everything that Satoshi had said, but she never got to. What were her feet doing? They were moving so fast. The umbrella had slipped from her hand and she heard a small "splat" behind her as it hit the ground. The rain was falling so hard upon her. Her clothes were drenched now and her hair was sticking to her skin. Each step she took only welcomed more mud upon her shoes. Her heart beat was incredible. It was competing with her breathing. Was she even breathing? She felt so light headed. Oxygen must have not been getting to her brain.

The ocean was big, but she was strong. If all the ships had sunk then there was only one thing to do. She could swim and she would!

Suddenly her arms shot forward and she wrapped them around the man's lean waist. Conan was in total shock. He felt her wet body against his and felt the chills crept up his spine. He felt her body shake as she wept upon his shoulder. He couldn't think. He didn't know what to do. He couldn't even manage to breathe anymore and he swore his heart was no longer beating. Somehow everything had topsy-turvied and now everything was different than how it was supposed to be. She should be walking back with Satoshi now, with their hands intertwined and he should be heading with Ayumi to the Shonen Tantei Detective Agency. Ran shouldn't be hugging him! "R-r-ran…" he managed to stutter.

She then let go of his waist and grabbed his shoulders. She forced him to turn around to face her. He didn't resist though. His brain couldn't function enough to do that. She reached for his face and he closed his eyes in a reflex. Suddenly he could no longer feel the glasses on his nose or his ears. Ran threw them off violently and then stepped on them with her large boots. Conan opened his eyes to see them being smashed to bits. He just starred at them. And then she hugged him again. He felt her chest press against him and a blush reddened his face. His arms were limp at his sides. What was he supposed to do?

"No!" shouted a voice through Ran's lips. Was it her voice? She didn't know anymore. Everything seemed to be a dream. "Don't go!"

This only confused Conan more.

"You're not gone! You're not! You're still here…Shinichi. Shinichi, you're still here!" Her tears were evident in her voice as she tried to restrain from choking on them.

Shinichi…? He hadn't been called that name in a long time.

"I don't want you to go." She was now crying into his chest. The tears fell in a river down her cheeks and onto his jacket. "You're Shinichi. You are. You are." She looked up into his eyes, which were full of water, but that only made the brown orbs sparkle more. Her cheeks were flushed, but it was a pretty shade of pink. Her chestnut hair was stuck against her cheeks and shoulders, dripping with water. "And I still love you."

The words of "I still love you," spun around and around in his head. She shouldn't be saying that. She shouldn't? What about Satoshi? Even so, something about that phase made his heart feel funny. He felt lighter. There was something else too. His whole body seemed to tingle. He felt so different; he felt strange. He felt like he hadn't felt in a long while: whole; he felt true to himself. He felt like the person he was born to be: Shinichi Kudo. It seemed Conan Edogawa had disappeared. And he didn't want that feeling to go away.

"But Ran," he stuttered, as he looked down at the girl. Finally he had found the words that had gotten lost in his throat and finally his brain was beginning to think again. "You shouldn't…we shouldn't." He looked away from her.

But then a voice made him turn his gaze in the other direction. It was Ayumi's voice. "Conan, I want you to be happy," she said. She had tears in her eyes, but a smile was on her lips. "I think this is the only way you can be." Her smile grew. "So it's okay. I wish you both the best."

Flabbergasted, he starred at her and then turned to Satoshi, who was standing with umbrella in hand in the distance. He gave an affirmative nod.

Suddenly everything seemed to change. The world must have started turning in the right direction again. He smiled back at Ayumi and mouthed, "thank you." She smiled a sad, yet cheerful smile and began to walk away. Satoshi joined her and lent her his umbrella. He then looked down at Ran and smiled at her, the warmest, happiest, truest smile he had done in years. She smiled back at him. Both were half crying. Emotions that had been locked away for years were suddenly spilling out.

He placed a hand on her cheek and caressed it. He bent his head low and whispered in her ear in a tender voice, "From now on always call me 'Shinichi.'" She gave a small nod. And then he brought her face up higher with his hand and brought his lips to hers in a gentle kiss. All the passion hidden away finally was allowed to be revealed. They stayed like that a long time. In each others arms they felt so happy. The rain continued to fall, but its tears didn't seem sad any longer.

Every poison has an antidote and nostalgia is no different.

_The End.

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Finally, I'm done with this story. I actually began writing it last summer, but with school I never finished until this summer. But I'm really proud of this story. I thought of the idea while lying in bed and thought it was really sad. Mind you, the ending changed because my sister begged me to do so. It was originally a tragedy. I really hoped everyone enjoys this story. I hope one day I can write a detective story of Detective Conan. I think that would be fun. However, right now so many ideas are spinning in my head I don't know how I'm going to write them all.

Please review! Until next time! Bye!


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